Highly-paid columnists such as myself (rumored in the high one figures) traditionally count the week before July 4 as a time to goof off. There’s never any real news upon which to pontificate profoundly (nice use of big words, don’t you think?), so we generally write something inane.
Some of you are already thinking, hey, everything he writes is inane. Not so. Last year, I wrote an informative and inspiring column about the dangers of fireworks, especially in the hands of improperly certified and slightly inebriated guys. Last Christmas, I uncovered the surprising fact that fruitcakes pack an unhealthy amount of fat and are seriously lacking in sufficient fiber. Hardly inane.
There has been so much real news lately with the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett, the Iranian protests, philandering Republicans and the controversial city council vote over rezoning the Ancich property at the top of Pioneer Way that I have not advised you on the proper method of exploding hundreds of dollars worth of Screamers and aerial displays.
With health care reform on the table, I just haven’t had time to give you tips on grilling the perfect hot dog, or which beers to pair with potato salad. I worry that, without a column on how to light a gas grill safely, that many of you might unexpectedly launch your backyard barbecues skyward.
While we newspaper writers have been busy answering the question, “King of Pop or Whack Job Who Probably Molested Little Children?” we have neglected to warn you that eating too many hot dogs at one sitting can cause an alarming digestive failure, unless you are a trained professional such as Joey Chestnut.
Chestnut defeated six-time hot dog eating champion Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi at last year’s Nathan’s Famous Corporation’s July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest. Both pros ate 59 hot dogs in the 10-minute regulation time. But Chestnut put his stomach acid into high gear (or is that “high tide”) and triumphed in the five-dog “eat off.”
So, I apologize.
Instead of detailing a South Carolina governor’s mysterious disappearance to Argentina, we newspaper folks should have reminded you that potato chips are “surprisingly high in fat content.” It’s a baffling, basic mistake.
On the first day of journalism school, professors teach their students that readers cannot retain essential dietary information for more than 180 days. Thus the requirement to remind our readers that the potato chips “surprisingly high in fat” at July 4 will once again be high in fat on New Year’s Day.
Instead of writing these important stories, half of the nation’s highly trained columnists are camped outside a California probate court awaiting news of whether Michael Jackson willed his stable of 20-some pet giraffes to Michael Vick.
The other half are in Iran, where president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad just announced he defeated Kentucky Derby winner, Mine That Bird, over a 1.2-mile race course. Ahmadinejad, who recently pronounced himself the winner in the Iranian election, said he ran in bare feet so no protesters could claim he had an unnatural advantage over the horse.
Meanwhile, innocent readers, such as yourself, are left wondering, “Should I leave that potato salad laden with mayonnaise out in the hot, midday sun?” You’ll probably have to look it up on Wikipedia.
Young fathers will have no idea this year if they should let their 8-year-olds hold the firecrackers purchased at Fireworks Alley while he sets the fuse on fire. I can hear them typing g-o-o-g-l-e already.
We’ll do better for you next year.
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