You can’t believe everything you read

George Le Masurier

of the Gateway

Dear Earle,

Well, winter’s coming, and the guys down at the Man Spa, our new nickname for Bob’s Barber Shop, have been thinking about ordering one of those “Amish mantles and MIRACLE INVENTIONS (that) help home heat bills hit rock bottom” and ensure that Bob will never be cold again.

You know that’s a good thing, Earle, because, when Bob starts to get chilled and shake with that straight razor in his hand, nothing good is bound to happen.

According to this full-page newspaper ad Joe Buck brought in, they’re giving these dang Amish mantles away for free if you order the miracle invention — the HEAT SURGE Roll-n-Glow Fireplace. There’s such a demand for these things, according to the ad, that they’re limiting every household to just two!

The picture in the ad shows a dozen Amish men and women building these mantles as fast as they can. Herman said it looked like a scene right out of Santa’s workshop.

But just as we were placing the phone call to a special 800 phone number, Old Tiny limped in with another full-page ad that says, “Bob Vila endorses and recommends the famous EdenPURE portable heater.” Apparently, millions of Americans are cutting their home heating bills in half and raving about the “heavenly heat.”

So, we had another cup of Bob’s awful coffee and tried to figure out what Bob Vila means when he says these heaters, “Do not get hot, cannot start a fire and will not reduce humidity or oxygen.”

Tiny nearly went through a box of toothpicks over that one. So now, the boys don’t know what to do.

Joe said maybe we needed to check out an article in a “Prestigious medical journal (that) reveals (a) brain oxygen-boosting nutrient breakthrough.” The ad for that one says we could “Regain 10-15 years of lost memory power.”

Well, we all agreed everybody could use some of that, especially when the ad says, “It has been shown to literally wake up a tired, sluggish brain.”

We were all looking at Bob at that point.

Apparently, these guys invented a, “Memory pill ingredient that lights up aging brains like a Christmas Tree!”

Earle, the boys promised to hide the pills from Tiny. Nobody needs to see that.

But when it came right down to ordering the heaters and the pills, none of us had any money. So we looked up this other newspaper ad that says, “Mint adds 6 to State Quarter series: all to be given away free for 48 hours.” That would only get us a buck and a half.

So we turned to the ad put in the paper by Bill Bartmann, who “went from BANKRUPT TO BILLIONAIRE” during the last government bailout” and has a free video telling us “How to make money buying bad loans.”

That got Herman all riled up because he started worrying about where we would put our billions Bill Bartmann was going to get for us, you know, with all the bank failures going on.

That’s when Bob perked up, and almost cut Tiny Jr.’s ear off with his razor, because he had just yesterday clipped out this other newspaper ad about “7 smart places to stash your cash, home safe sales smash 60-year record due to new banking worries.”

Turns out, Earle, that someone is giving away “Free armored safes” and “doling them out to the public.” All you have to do is start a coin collection, which you can buy from them, and then you get this really safe “safe” to keep your fortune safely at home.

By then, it was time to go home, and we hadn’t decided to do anything. Maybe there’ll be another ad in tomorrow’s newspaper that can help us decide.

Anyway, Earle, Bob didn’t cut anyone, so it was a good day.

Cheers.