Scoop du jour: I predict this study will make perfect sense

George Le Masurier

Scoop du jour

As our children head back to the nation’s colleges and universities this fall, I think we can all look forward to our refrigerators staying more full and the gas in our tanks lasting longer.

We can also expect many new studies conducted by “university researchers.”

HARVARD — According to a new study published by a group of scientists to impress their colleagues, life can be difficult. The researchers spent years collecting the wisdom of people bewildered by questions, such as, “Why me?” and, “What did I ever do to deserve this?”

They concluded that, when faced with life’s hardships, nine out of 10 human beings would simply throw in the towel. The other 10 percent were waiting to see the new lineup on “Dancing With The Stars.”

The study predicts that, someday, modern medicine will develop a pill for those who consider life unfair and predominately a total nightmare.

UCLA — Biologists here have created the world’s most succinct definition of life: Stuff that dies when you mash it with your foot. According to this axiom, living things would include spiders, slugs (be sure to wear shoes), cell phones that keep dropping calls and cigarettes.

PENN STATE — Social scientists are releasing a 12,000-page report well before the Thanksgiving holiday that appears to verify a theory passed along informally among family members for generations: in-laws make no sense. Dr. Marge N. Oferror, who authored the study, said she could not determine any redeeming social purpose for what she calls “mock-relatives.”

The author cited annoying habits, freeloading and frequent drinking to excess as the basis for questioning the value of in-laws. She suggested new couples refuse to recognize in-laws and predicted lower divorce rates and longer life spans.

UW — Having studied the day-to-day interaction between normal men and women during four decades, researchers in Seattle have found that women are always right.

Using microscopic cameras and highly sensitive hidden microphones, the study recorded couples in their homes, at work, in restaurants and other public venues. The data was then analyzed and fact-checked using super computers.

Based on 10 million individual and separate disputes between the genders, the study found that women were right in every case.

By logical deductions, the researchers concluded that men were always wrong.

PITTSBURGH — It appears that sports figures, in this city at least, have a clear vision for what it takes to win athletic contests. That’s the conclusion of a multi-million-dollar study linking interviews of players and coaches to game outcomes.

When a player says, “We have a chance to win this game, if we put up the numbers we’re capable of doing,” he or she is indicating a complex understanding of the mathematical relationship between scoring and winning.

In addition to players and coaches, game commentators often exhibit this astute awareness that, if one team plays its best and scores more points than the other team, then it’s probable they will win, unless there’s some unexpected intervention in the natural order by, for example, referees, as in the Super Bowl between the Steelers and the Seahawks.

But the study makes no mention of that particular game.