A few opponents even King Kong can’t beat

George Le Masurier

of the Gateway

George Le Masurier is on vacation this week. This column was published in November 2005.

King Kong returns to the big screen this week to chase girls, dodge bullets and swat aircraft out of the New York sky. KK might have defeated Godzilla, but I’d like to see how the big ape would match up against these real-life opponents.

Wifeatron

Height, 5-8. Mass: I’m not that stupid! Powers/weapons: “The Evil Eye” that can melt steel down to puddles of liquid in mere seconds. In extreme situations, the Wifeatron will slowly kill its adversaries by withdrawing cooking and laundry services. Fight record: reportedly 360-0, including more than 300 TKOs, but several decisions still in dispute. Dream Battle: Kids Kong.

Kids Kong

Height: Varies from 2 feet to 6 feet. Mass: Less than a quarter ton combined. Powers/weapons: The Power Tantrum, usually employed by younger species in public places and often accompanied by The Soiler, easily recognized by heavy grunting at inconvenient moments.

Younger Kongs may occasionally use The Barf Gun, which fires particulate on your shoulder or in your lap. Older monsters tend to rely on two primary powers: sucking their adversaries financially dry and their super-power, The Guilt Force field.

However, in classic battles between adult Kids Kong vs. Bigfoot Father, it will often resort to hiding behind Disgusting Boyfriends and lobbing a series of Lack-Of-Jobs. Dream Battle: Giant Nanny 911

Bosszilla

Height: It doesn’t matter; they’re always taller than you. Mass: 800 pounds. Powers/weapons: The Work Zapper, which disarms opponents by making friendly comments before appointing them to yet another committee that meets for another two hours every week. In losing battles, it may fight dirty by spitting electricity and promoting the enemies of enemies into supervisory positions. Fight Record: Undefeated. Dream Battle: Donald Trump.

Incredible Bulk

Height: Morphs itself into its enemy’s identical height. Mass: Forty extra pounds than opponent’s doctor’s recommended weight. Powers/weapons: Penetrates the brain and fires electric bolts that causes its victim to gorge on bags of chips, bowls of ice cream and gallons of soda pop until it balloons into belly-button-popping proportions, rendering it totally incapacitated. Can recharge its powers using the garbage from any fast-food outlet. Fight Record: 5-5 Dream Battle: Fat Assquatch.

Toll Less Monster

Height: 510 feet but with a stride of 5,400 feet. Mass: 200,000 tons. Powers/weapons: An underwater creature living in the chilly deep waters beneath the Tacoma Narrows bridge.

Has been dormant for more than 30 years, but recently reawakened during the building of the new bridge. Requires constant feeding by drivers who must throw all the money in their pockets into its gaping and powerful jaws as they pass over the bridge.

Drivers who attempt to avoid feeding the monster get flicked off the bridge by its giant thumb and index finger. Considered insatiable.

Fight Record: 90,000-0 on a daily basis. Dream Battle: Randy Boss.

Abominable Attorney

Height: 5-5. Mass: Less than a ton. Powers/weapons: The “NO” Gun. Shoots down potential threats with piercing, laser “no” beams, which can cut through any well-constructed defense like a hot knife through butter.

Sometimes called “The Inhibinator” because it can also paralyze its victims, stopping them dead in their tracks. Derives its power by sapping the strength of elected officials.

Fight Record: Undefeated. Dream Battle: Gig Harbor Mayor Chuck Hunter.