Algebra is not a war-torn African nation

George Le Masurier

of the Gateway

Recent news from the world of education …

Children demand cuts to education

PURDY — A small delegation of school children — eye-witnesses report nobody stood more than 5 feet tall — stormed the Peninsula School District offices today to demand cuts in the math and history curriculum, and also reading programs that involve books “… over 40 pages that don’t include aliens or anything.”

Claiming he could solve the state’s budgetary problems by “reducing excessive education spending” on unnecessary things like math, 10-year-old Jerry Atrick used an impressive array of charts and graphs made with the simple 16-pack of Crayons to show these programs “suck up 85 percent of the education budget.”

Critics accused Atrick of coloring outside the lines.

“Why should we spend millions of dollars teaching kids how to figure square roots, cosines and pi? We have cell phones to do that,” Atrick said. “And history? Ha. It’s in the past. Get over it, already.”

Atrick proposed using the funds instead to spark the economy. He suggested investing in small businesses, such as waterslide parks, skateboard facilities and video games.

Extending an olive branch to educators, Atrick admitted Washington schools could use more funding for gym classes.

“While America is busy turning out a surplus of mathematicians, Sweden is turning out future citizens with nation-building skills honed during extended hours of dodgeball and Come Over, Red Rover,” he said. “We already put a man on the moon and invented the microchip, so who needs more nerds?”

School Student President recalled

POINT FOSDICK — Students at a local high school have signed a petition to recall their student body president after he took a controversial stand on algebra.

“Algebra is not a war-torn country in Africa,” said Warren Tyre, 18, elected last year. “To a generation consumed by X–Men, X–Boxes, Spandex and X-rated movies, it’s a highly useful means of figuring out exactly what the heck ‘x’ means.”

But the 135 students who have filed for his position think differently.

“Algebra is not the most important thing about high school,” said Arnold Swartz. “The most important thing is to give a noogie and a wedgie to all the nerds with pocket protectors.”

Poll reveals kids ready to go back to school

HOME — Eight out of every 10 school-age children in the Peninsula School District think they’re ready for another school year.

When asked the very scientifically designed question, “Are you ready to go back to school?” exactly 80 percent of responders said, “Yeah, guess so.” And, in an encouraging sign, students answering “Nah, not yet,” declined by 10 percent.

The poll, paid for by local parents and conducted by the Institute for Measuring the Formal Retention of Educational Effusion (I’M FREE), found that an increasing number of students actually looked forward to reuniting with friends and favorite teachers. Compared with five years ago, more than 38 percent more students said, “Sure, whatever.”

Department of Education officials in Washington, D.C., issued a statement, saying The White House is particularly pleased with the poll’s results because it shows the administration’s shell program “No Child Left Behind” never really needed any funding anyway.

“All kids today really need is a catchy little phrase,” said a top Bush aide.

Asked what he thought of the government’s reaction to the poll, one young participant said, “ehhh, I ’unno.”