It seems like every time I do the grocery shopping — which I’m only allowed to do every six months or so because I come back with one carton of orange juice and 12 bags of chocolate — there’s another magazine at the checkout with a “Rate Your Mate” quiz.
I hate them, because I flunk them.
So I was pretty excited to receive a copy of “The Top Ten Qualities For A Good Wife” from alert Peninsula reader John Bigelow. A man named Dr. George Crane wrote the list in 1937, a time when men were men and women were apparently part of the household staff.
According to Crane in his newspaper column titled “The Worry Clinic,” a good wife should have the following qualities: has meals on time; can carry on an interesting conversation; can play a musical instrument; dresses for breakfast; is a neat housekeeper; ask husband’s opinion regarding important purchases or decisions; has a good sense of humor — jolly and gay; lets husband sleep late on Sundays and holidays; laughs at husband’s jokes and his clowning; and, is a good hostess, even to unexpected guests.
I think the safe response to this is: hmmm, interesting.
So that got me thinking. How does a man know if he’s really a good husband?
I decided to write my own quiz for men to evaluate their relative ranking.
1. When you’re absolutely honest with yourself, you recognize the true reason you got married as:
a. You finally found the woman you could share the joys and sorrows, the peaks and valleys, the adventures and the discoveries of life’s wonderful mysteries.
b. You surrendered to your nesting and paternal instincts, and you sought out a life partner to bear your children.
c. You got tired of making decisions for yourself.
2. You’ve decided to allow yourself to become more vulnerable, so when is it OK to hug another guy?
a. When it’s your son who you haven’t seen for 10 years because he’s been serving the Peace Corps in Paupau, New Guinea?
b. When at least one of you has a fatal disease?
c. When you’re playing touch football on a rainy, muddy Saturday afternoon and the other guy just scored the game-winning touchdown, as long as neither of you are likely to really enjoy it and both of you are well protected?
3. On Valentine’s Day, when you take your wife out for a romantic, candlelight dinner at her favorite restaurant, she is most likely to have the following thought about you:
a. I can’t believe what a handsome, well-groomed man he is.
b. I can’t believe what a charming and interesting conversationalist he is.
c. I can’t believe the size of the piece of meat he just put in his mouth!
4. When your wife asks you to put your four children to bed because she’s been under the weather, has worked all day, has to attend a PTA meeting and then she went grocery shopping on her way home, the correct response is:
a. Why don’t I put you to bed, go to the meeting and do the shopping myself?
b. I’ll have a warm bath waiting for you when you return.
c. We have four kids?
5. When do you normally clean out your closet?
a. At the start of each new fashion season.
b. When she mentions how good you might look in the new spring colors.
c. You never clean out your closet. In fact, you routinely check the Goodwill store for any potentially missing items, not that you would have noticed, but just in case somebody, like your wife, has thrown away some perfectly good items, which are, in fact, your favorite pieces of clothing.
If you answered “a” or “b,” then your wife is probably nominating you for the Alan Alda Award.
If you picked “c” to all six questions, you should spend more time in grocery stores.
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