AT ANY conference of journalists, the conversation always gets around to the strangest stories ever written. And so it was last week when a colleague told me about interviewing a self-made man who had grown up during the Great Depression.
The man, then a child, remembers his father, who used to drink too much, coming home one day and lining up all 13 children. The father had a shotgun in his hands and a probable blood-alcohol level of 9-1-1 proportions.
OK, the father said, we can no longer afford to feed all of you. Two of you have to go. Any volunteers? he asked, jacking a shell into the chamber.
That man was obviously drunk, or he would have handled the situation much more professionally.
Human relations experts, social scientists and state patrol officers recommend that today’s parents, who also face an urgent need to trim the household budget, employ more sensitive tactics.
The specter of rising consumer debt and diminishing family revenues need not result in traumatic experiences for children who must be laid off.
By integrating the well-practiced techniques of modern corporations, parents can reduce their FTE count (full-time equivalent family members) without an unpleasant scene in the front yard.
Step No. 1: As any HR professional will tell you, the first step is to leak the information that incomes can no longer sustain the current family size. That prepares everyone mentally for the inevitable cuts, especially those most likely to throw a tantrum.
Step No. 2: Post an official notice on the kitchen bulletin board explaining that the executive team (Mommy and Daddy) are trying to figure out a fair method of dealing with the family’s revenue problem. State clearly that many different options are being considered, up to and including the termination of some childhood contracts.
That may induce screaming and the use of foul language by teenagers. So it’s important at this stage to reinforce that you are thinking of the bigger picture and the strength of the family’s future as you decide which dependents must be eliminated.
Remind everyone that this is a very difficult time for the executive team.
Step No. 3: Engage the children in follow-up one-on–one discussions during which you tell them how much you love them. Try to work in personal examples that further hint at their individual fate.
For example, “I’ll always cherish that ashtray you made with your small handprint,” which sends a signal that it could go either way.
Or, “Remember that time when I was holding you and meeting my new boss and you pooped your pants?”
That tells an astute child they should start packing.
Step No. 4: Make a list of questions likely to come up during the termination meetings. If a child asks, “Why me, Daddy?” — refer only to functions or seniority to avoid potential lawsuits. Do not make statements like, “Because you’re the lazy one and will never get a good job.”
If a child asks, “Will I continue to receive my allowance, and for how long?” — respond with a formula worked out in advance with your attorney.
Experts recommend three weeks for each year of family membership for grade-school children, two weeks for middle-school kids and one week and a $50 Fred Meyer gift card for high school students.
Step No. 5: Don’t forget that the remaining children, if any, will require extra love and support in the coming weeks. Keeping desserts in the budget will build family loyalty and encourage positive attitudes.
Print
E-Mail